Disenfranchised Grief – Your Grief is Valid

A personal tidbit- In October 2014, my spouse and I made the difficult decision to put our 18yr old orange cat to “sleep”. The day he died, he was gone by 9am and I was back at work for a meeting at 11:30am. At that time in my career, I had exhausted all my earned time off. I remember a colleague jokingly saying, “where were you this morning” and I burst into tears and said, “my cat died this morning”! The room went silent, and in attempt to make a joke the same colleague said, "at least it wasn't your kid". This was my introduction to disenfranchised grief.

Fact- A 2025 survey conducted by Banfield Pet Hospital cited that “less than 40 percent of U.S. employers” include pet‑loss bereavement in their benefits packages. #pawternityleave

What exactly is disenfranchised grief?

Disenfranchised grief is a grief that feels real and heavy to you but isn’t recognized or validated by the people around you. It’s the kind of loss that doesn’t fit society’s usual idea of what “counts” as grief.

It often shows up when:

• The loss isn’t obvious to others (like a friendship ending, a situationship falling apart, or drifting from someone you cared about)

• The relationship wasn’t “official” or socially acknowledged

• The loss is private or invisible (like losing a dream, a version of yourself, or a future you imagined)

• People minimize it (“You’ll be fine,” “It wasn’t serious,” “Just move on”)

• You feel like you shouldn’t be this upset, but you are

Some concrete examples would be:

• The end of a friendship

• A breakup others didn’t take seriously

• Losing a pet (RIP Harley cat)

• Infertility or miscarriage

• Estrangement from family

• A dream or future you were counting on

• A job loss or identity shift

• A loved one who is still alive but no longer themselves

• Chronic illness changing your life

• Moving, transitions, or losing a version of yourself

(I really could go on and on and on… AND I just spent WAY too much time coming up with 10… Feel free to come up with your own list!)

A long list of why therapy can help process Disenfranchised Grief...

  Helps you name what you’re feeling so you stop brushing it off or pretending it’s “not a big deal.”

  Validates the loss, especially when other people don’t get why it mattered to you.

  Gives you a space where you don’t have to explain or defend your feelings.

  Challenges the shame that shows up in thoughts like “I shouldn’t be this upset” or “It wasn’t a real loss.”

  Helps you understand what the loss represented — the relationship, the future you imagined, or the part of yourself that changed.

  Lets you process emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, or missing someone without judgment.

  Reduces the loneliness that comes from feeling like you’re the only one going through it.

  Replaces self‑blame with self‑compassion so you stop beating yourself up for caring.

  Helps you find words for complicated feelings that are hard to explain.

  Supports you through identity shifts when the loss changes how you see yourself.

  Introduces small rituals or symbolic ways to honor the loss when there’s no “official” way to grieve it.

  Builds coping skills for dealing with reminders, triggers, or unresolved questions.

  Helps you integrate the experience so it feels lighter and less overwhelming over time.

  Rebuilds trust in your own emotions, especially if you’ve learned to doubt or minimize them.

Backpack Analogy

Imagine you’re walking around with a heavy backpack. Inside it are things you’ve lost- maybe a friendship, a dream job, a younger version of yourself, a pet, your childhood home… It could be anything.

The weight is real. You feel it every day.

But because no one else can see what’s in your backpack, they assume it’s empty. They say things like, ‘It wasn’t that serious,’ or ‘Just move on,’ or ‘Why are you still upset?’

So now you’re carrying two things:

1. The actual weight of the loss

2. The pressure to pretend the backpack isn’t heavy

Disenfranchised grief therapy is about helping you unzip that backpack, take out what’s inside, look at it with honesty and compassion, and understand why it mattered.

The goal isn’t to throw the backpack away. It’s to help you carry it differently- lighter, with more clarity, and without feeling like you have to hide it.